I gave up the notion of attaining success – climbing the corporate ladder, having “Material X, Y, Z” at the age of twenty-something and earning XXX,XXX a month. Instead, I focused on pursuing my heart’s desire. I have decided what is worth fighting for and what is not, and I chose living the life of my dreams.
I did sacrifice a lot to be able to make things work – my time, my finances and even my future. Ironic I know, how I worked hard to make my dreams happen but neglect the things that I really needed for myself. I took the risk and my younger self was more than willing to live on the edge for it.
Lately, my dream bubble has been burst. I came to realize that no matter how envious my batch mates were for me being able to go places, there is one thing they have that I don’t – security. I barely have any savings. I don’t even see myself working for the next three years on the current job that I’m at. And worst, I don’t know where I am really heading. I feel as if I am being left out.
Others have their wealth to back up their dreams while I only have the heart and grit and sad as it is, reality check, it is not enough.
Mind: Everything will fall into place.
Me: I’ve been waiting for that time my whole life.
I came to a point where it was hard to admit that my dreams were failing me. My life became a constant battle between me pushing forward and letting go, between me doubting myself and me struggling to keep my head up high, and between me thinking about my own happiness and or of my family’s.
You see, I haven’t been writing lately for the passion subsides and it is because I’m blaming my dreams and not myself for this.
Self: Aren’t you used to failing?
Me: Yes? Maybe? But this time, I have tried my hardest. I did.
I questioned myself for countless of times. I went away from my parents to prove to them that I can be independent and I can make it on my own but it seem as if I still have got a long way to go. For years, I am still that man trying to survive Manila and life itself.
I thought, I have got everything sorted out but I was wrong. I suffered from depression for days, until days became weeks and weeks became months. I got sick and it was the worst that I had since I started living here in Manila. The day that I was finally close to giving up, a stranger talked to me and told me this, “You’re getting sick because your body manifests what you are feeling. I am suffering from depression as well. I know it’s hard but we will make it.”
That was all what I needed to hear, to finally know that I am not alone. Pathetic as it may sound, but it gave me security.
It has been a roller coaster of emotion and it is sad how I constantly need to remind myself that I am not a failure but sometimes I just can’t.
Self: How much pain do you have to go through until giving up is okay?
Heart: Will you give up?
Mind: We can do this. Right?!
I was not happy with what’s going on with my job. I had some minor family matters to attend to but I was a plane away from home. I was helpless.
I planned on going to France, search for myself again and I was hoping that it might work. The thing is, I’d have to render my resignation and start from scratch whether I will be granted or refused a visa. I suffered sleepless nights and I lose appetite. I didn’t know what to do. Worst part is, my parents didn’t want me to go when I myself knew that I needed to. It was that time in my life when a part of me wants to leave and the other half wants to stay.
Mind: You have mastered the art of pretending, didn’t you?
Self: Yes, I have my life together.
Me: No! My shit hasn’t been more flawed than it is right now.
I can’t bring myself to be happy for I don’t even know what I really want and I don’t know what’s going to make me feel better. But I’ll be okay.
No matter how hard it is, I will keep up the fight for I know that I deserve my dreams. For now, I will be resting in reason but will move in passion when I’m ready again. I am doing this not to get better, but to get “back” the thing that I’ve been missing all this time – myself.
There’s still a lot of conversations going on in my head but I will stop here, I’m crying too much to write. See you soon.
I wrote this the time when I received the result of my Schengen visa application. Unfortunately, I was denied of a visa. It was heartbreaking to say the least. I felt like everything crumbled. Baguio has been a breather and I’m quite okay now. I would also like to thank Kimberly and Belle for their comments as well as Joval.